I spend a shit ton of time on social media, way too much really. I realize this. It’s probably an addiction seeing as it sucks away the valuable time I should be using for things like family, work, or bettering myself through exercise and intellectual stimulation. I know I should be doing other things, but all the nifty insights in the world don’t seem to curb the behavior, and in reality, they just drive me back to social media to escape the guilt, which I then use to fuel my guilt, which drives me back to social media—you get it, right?
So in spending all this time on social media I’m blitzed by all kinds of helpful articles, things like: 17 things not to say to someone with autism or 13 ways to know you’re with a narcissist or 82 specific things never to ask SJWs if you don’t want to get banned from your meme group (again). Now as much as I appreciate these helpful guides to living my life properly according to some dick head, they don’t really help me, by which I mean, they don’t tell other people how they should tailor their behavior when in my company. This is a real problem for you, I know, but don’t worry. I want to help you be the best person you can be around me, so I’m presenting you with the 11 things not to say to someone who is me.
- “Nothing Elvis”*
Don’t believe this is a big deal? Ask Joey Dykstra, a kid I rode the school bus with in Jr. high. It was the early 1990s and Beverly Hills 90210 was all the rage and I had a Luke Perry thing going on with my hair including some sweet sideburns. Anyway, staring at me on the bus and then responding “Nothing Elvis” when I ask you “what the hell you’re staring at” is a sure fire way to get punched in the face. Joey learned that lesson the hard way and though I got kicked off the school bus for two weeks, I proved my point, damn it!
*this probably wouldn’t bother me today as I’m much more comfortable with my sideburns. If this were to happen today the catalyst to my furious display of fists would probably be “nothing you overweight, underemployed hack of a writer who’s never going to experience any kind of measurable success.”
2. “You’re hired!”
Want someone who looks great on paper but will do the least amount of work possible while still flying under the radar by displaying an agreeable personality that simply masks their passive aggression? Then say this.
- “I love you”
Four possible outcomes from saying this to me:
A. You are a family member and I will disappoint you and resent you well into my adult life for the perceived oppression I experienced under your roof.
2. You are a girl who I will dump and you will be sad because much like in #2 I am a fucking madman awesome sack during our honeymoon period and if I dump you it’s only because you haven’t figured out what a turd I am then beat me to the punch.
C. You are a girl and you figured out what a turd I am and then beat me to the punch and then I show up crying on your doorstep or do stupid shit like vandalize your parents’ house or follow you and your friends to the beach and insist we talk and manage to temporarily win you over so I can get a final handjob out on the pier before leaving you unsatisfied as a partial reminder of why you dumped me in the first place as you fling a handful of my jizz into lake Michigan.
D. You are a girl and we get married and we have two kids and then you realize you’re stuck with me until they no longer need the emotional and financial support of a two parent household.
- “You skipped number 4”
No I didn’t. It was intentional. Symbolism see? A symbol of my laziness and inattention to detail.
- “Nice work”
I don’t take compliments well. I will wonder what the hell is wrong with your judgement.
- “This could be improved”
I don’t take criticism well. I will wonder what the hell is wrong with your judgement and think you’re a fucking idiot while ruminating over the fact that you’re probably right for nights on end.
- “Yes, I can loan you some money”
Matt Murray made this mistake freshman year of high school when he loaned me twenty-five bucks for a Cleveland Indians (OMG so fucking offensive. I’m fucking triggered!) baseball cap on a class trip to Chicago. I didn’t particularly care for the team or the sport in general but I was trying to get a girl to say “I love you” and I needed to cover up my Luke Perry hair. I did pay Matt back eventually, but I paid him in change over the course of about three years.
So there you have it. I now expect you to share this all over social media so people everywhere can benefit from knowing the 8 things you should never say to someone who is me. In my opinion (opinions being a valuable commodity these days) it’s much more useful than anything you will ever read on your feed. Certainly more valuable than lessons in etiquette regarding autism.
And yes, I know the title of this says “11 things” but again, symbolism.
You fucking idiot.