11 Things not to Say to Someone Who is Me

I spend a shit ton of time on social media, way too much really. I realize this. It’s probably an addiction seeing as it sucks away the valuable time I should be using for things like family, work, or bettering myself through exercise and intellectual stimulation. I know I should be doing other things, but all the nifty insights in the world don’t seem to curb the behavior, and in reality, they just drive me back to social media to escape the guilt, which I then use to fuel my guilt, which drives me back to social media—you get it, right?

So in spending all this time on social media I’m blitzed by all kinds of helpful articles, things like: 17 things not to say to someone with autism or 13 ways to know you’re with a narcissist or 82 specific things never to ask SJWs if you don’t want to get banned from your meme group (again). Now as much as I appreciate these helpful guides to living my life properly according to some dick head, they don’t really help me, by which I mean, they don’t tell other people how they should tailor their behavior when in my company. This is a real problem for you, I know, but don’t worry. I want to help you be the best person you can be around me, so I’m presenting you with the 11 things not to say to someone who is me.

  1. “Nothing Elvis”*

Don’t believe this is a big deal? Ask Joey Dykstra, a kid I rode the school bus with in Jr. high. It was the early 1990s and Beverly Hills 90210 was all the rage and I had a Luke Perry thing going on with my hair including some sweet sideburns. Anyway, staring at me on the bus and then responding “Nothing Elvis” when I ask you “what the hell you’re staring at” is a sure fire way to get punched in the face. Joey learned that lesson the hard way and though I got kicked off the school bus for two weeks, I proved my point, damn it!

*this probably wouldn’t bother me today as I’m much more comfortable with my sideburns. If this were to happen today the catalyst to my furious display of fists would probably be “nothing you overweight, underemployed hack of a writer who’s never going to experience any kind of measurable success.”


2. “You’re hired!”

Want someone who looks great on paper but will do the least amount of work possible while still flying under the radar by displaying an agreeable personality that simply masks their passive aggression?  Then say this.


  1. “I love you”

Four possible outcomes from saying this to me:

A. You are a family member and I will disappoint you and resent you well into my adult life for the perceived oppression I experienced under your roof.

2. You are a girl who I will dump and you will be sad because much like in #2 I am a fucking madman awesome sack during our honeymoon period and if I dump you it’s only because you haven’t figured out what a turd I am then beat me to the punch.

C. You are a girl and you figured out what a turd I am and then beat me to the punch and then I show up crying on your doorstep or do stupid shit like vandalize your parents’ house or follow you and your friends to the beach and insist we talk and manage to temporarily win you over so I can get a final handjob out on the pier before leaving you unsatisfied as a partial reminder of why you dumped me in the first place as you fling a handful of my jizz into lake Michigan.

D. You are a girl and we get married and we have two kids and then you realize you’re stuck with me until they no longer need the emotional and financial support of a two parent household.


  1. “You skipped number 4”

No I didn’t. It was intentional. Symbolism see? A symbol of my laziness and inattention to detail.


  1. “Nice work”

I don’t take compliments well. I will wonder what the hell is wrong with your judgement.


  1. “This could be improved”

I don’t take criticism well. I will wonder what the hell is wrong with your judgement and think you’re a fucking idiot while ruminating over the fact that you’re probably right for nights on end.


  1. “Yes, I can loan you some money”

Matt Murray made this mistake freshman year of high school when he loaned me twenty-five bucks for a Cleveland Indians (OMG so fucking offensive. I’m fucking triggered!) baseball cap on a class trip to Chicago. I didn’t particularly care for the team or the sport in general but I was trying to get a girl to say “I love you” and I needed to cover up my Luke Perry hair. I did pay Matt back eventually, but I paid him in change over the course of about three years.

So there you have it. I now expect you to share this all over social media so people everywhere can benefit from knowing the 8 things you should never say to someone who is me. In my opinion (opinions being a valuable commodity these days) it’s much more useful than anything you will ever read on your feed. Certainly more valuable than lessons in etiquette regarding autism.

And yes, I know the title of this says “11 things” but again, symbolism.

You fucking idiot.

11 Things not to Say to Someone Who is Me

Go Away.

love you to a pulp

I write crime fiction and if accolades were dollars, I’d have some dollars. My style is shined up grit set in the places I know best: rural Michigan, southern Kentucky, and Tucson, Arizona.

I’m currently publishing with All Due Respect Books and I have a new book coming out in summer 2016. It’s called “Kill ‘Em with Kindness” ADR also published my first novel Love You to a Pulp in 2015.

I’ve got a few works in progress as the moment. And I’ll share more about that when the time comes.

So thanks for staying after my less than courteous greeting. Truth is, I’m a really nice guy until you get to know me. Here’s hoping that you do.

Author Info

Go Away.


This is a post I wish I would have given more time to, but the procrastinator got the better of me. Yes it’s about black friday, but I’m not ranting I promise. Please give it a read and share your thoughts.

So basically, people are forever bitching about black friday. The past couple years the sentiment has shifted from a generic anti-consumerism platitude to a more emotional plea for the employee and family. While these may be legitimate points of discussion, they detract from some hard realities of the world we live in, and given deeper consideration, we might find that our pressuring the brick and morters to close up shop might be doing more harm than good.

First let’s talk about the plight of the proletariat: Many people have to work the holidays, not just traditional retail. Police, fire, gas stations, fastfood, movie theaters (Very popular on the holidays.) And of course there is the additional inconsistency in that nobody seems to care about the other holidays on which people have to work. I worked a gas station job in college and yes, I would have like to be gassing my boat up for the labor day weekend too, but you know, somebody had to sell beer and smoke Marijuana in the cooler. And you know, seven bucks an hour wasn’t going to buy me much if a boat, let alone the gas to put in it.

The inescapable fact is that working the holidays is standard with many kinds of jobs and employees agree to as much when they take the job (I do think anyone working a holiday should be entitled to extra pay. It was true for me when I was in that line of work, I volunteered for every holiday.) Couple this with another hard truth: If the stores are closed, people are not getting paid. Im not saying thats right, im saying thats the way it IS. If these stores do close because of our snarky Facebook lists of “asshats who won’t delay the frenzy until we’re ready,” we’ve also managed to drive more traffic online, putting a greater cut into the man’s pocket, you know, that guy we wanted to protect the employees from? And guess what, now those people never have to come to the store. How about the day after off too? How about every day off? But at least the big boys still get theirs. And we get ours too, at worst a day later.

Is there any kind solution? Solution to what exactly? What’s the problem again? Who’s being victimized by whom?

Fuck if I know. Happy Festival, bitches.


Recommended Read: Love You To A Pulp by C S DeWildt

Great Recommendation of LOVE YOU TO A PULP

Paul D. Brazill

love you to a pulpGlue sniffing private eye Neil Chambers is hired to track down a small town pharmacist’s errant daughter and things very quickly spiral violently out of control.

In Love You To A Pulp, CS DeWildt  cleverly balances old school pulp fiction – pushed to the max – with a lyrical country noir/ coming-of-age story. Both story strands are smartly tied together in the book’s breathlessly violent conclusion.

Great stuff!

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Recommended Read: Love You To A Pulp by C S DeWildt